I have a couple theories about Dennis Miller and why he's not funny anymore. One is that he sold his soul to the Devil some fifteen or twenty years ago, and he spent the next decade or so doing a lot of deplorable shit, I mean really dirty fucking stuff for the Devil, in exchange for the ability to string a lot of obtuse historical references and twenty-five cent words together and trade them in to an audience for hysterical laughter. My theory is that about two and a half years ago he finally got tired of doing these things, the details of which will most likely never come to light, and told the Devil to fuck off once and for all, at which point the deal was broken and Dennis became the unfunny schmuck he had always really been. Since then he's been drinking more and trying to shop his somewhat dingy and tattered soul around to CBS and the Republican party, but the formula of Roget's Thesaurus + Cotton Mather + "fucking" + defenestration of Prague = big laffs is not adding up anymore, and he really doesn't know what to do. He is much louder now and I swear I've seen his hands shake, and given that the punchline of many of his recent jokes is "Terrorists will kill us all, renew the PATRIOT act and remember September 11th!" I have speculated from time to time that he was actually responsible for the attacks, and that was the deed that finally turned him away from the life of riches and depravity ushered in by his Mephistophelian pact. Another theory I have is that he recently quit drugs, but that's not as much fun to think about so I usually don't.

Althought we will probably never know the truth, when I think about the many horrible things Dennis Miller must have done for the Devil, I imagine him standing in a front yard, laughing and dancing in a circle while burning in a huge trash pile the entire life savings of a paraplegic senior citizen, who can only look on with great sorrow and cry.

In the event that Dennis prefers Merriam-Webster's or the Oxford Concise, I'd like to take this opportunity to sincererly apologize to Roget's.

- Lieb